The Murray Files

Discussing Andy Murray's quest for a grand slam title.

Interview with Olivia Wilde

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I was talking to Isobel hornswaggle, the legendary producer responsible for the short lived reality TV show “From Strippers to cops”.  She was telling me that she saw Olivia Wilde recently on the set of her Movie, “Get away from my monkey punk” and that Olivia had expressed a desire for me to interview her.

I want lie to you, Olivia is on my celebrity list, so the chance to swap stories with her was one I couldn’t turn down.  I instructed Isobel to set up the “meet” and I headed into Falkirk city centre’s west side to get myself fitted for a custom tux and a new pair of shoes.

I popped in to Gina’s Suit’s and Slippers Emporium and was given the star treatment.  It truly is a 6 star shopping experience.  On entry, a beautyqueen called Glenda takes your coat and offers you a glass of wine, which I took.  I was seated by work experience student Belinda, and had my feet massaged for two hours.  It was then off to suit fitting.  It took under 2 hours for the fitting.  They even played my favouite song, on repeat, “shake that boogey” by “Gold fluff and the wondermuff”.

Feeling suitably done-up and a little tipsy, I proceeded to the restaurant.

Olivia called to say that she was running late, so I went to the bar and ordered a tray of shots, tequilla, and brought them over the table.

The next day I woke up in a hotel room.  I didn’t really remember how I got there.  Voicemail from Olivia, I’m not sure if I met her or not last night.

Maybe we had a great time? Maybe we didn’t.

Anything is possible… in Falkirk


Written by The Murray Files

14/10/2011 at 8:44 pm

The Nintendo Entertainment System

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First released in 1985 (86 in Europe), this was a console, no the console, that revolutionised  gaming as we know it.

Prior to the NES, there was a stigma that hung over gamers like a bad smell.  But post NES, geek became chic.

Metroid, 10 yard fight.

I can’t be bothered writing this article anymore, suffice it to say, NES rocks.

Stay tuned for the SNES follow up.

Written by The Murray Files

09/10/2011 at 2:09 pm

Feeling down on the upside…

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I was chatting today with music know-it-all and general big cheese, Vesper Conrad.   Vesper is originally from Alaska, and has over 7 stories he can tell you about snow.

It was 3pm Uk time, which meant it was about 9am Alaska time.  Vesper was panicking, he was involved in a pub quiz (he’s a big drinker) and was struggling with a question:

“Which pioneering Uk indie band released the single “Stutter” in 1995?”

Vesper was stumped.  There was a case of tenants super up for grabs, so the stakes were high.  That’s why he called me, the guy you go to when the stakes are this high. I’m the go to guy, the guy in the know.  The guy that Music Mogul Magazine once called “Man of the year…In Kelvindale”.

I knew the answer, of course I did.  I even knew that the lead singer of the band, Justine Frischmann, used to date Damon Albarn from Blur.

It was Elastica.

I immediately heard the relief in Vesper’s voice.  His call had come at a price, he was now in my debt, and he knew it.  His close relationship with Britney spears might come in handy, she’s been ducking me for an interview for years.  Time to pay the piper.

As I said to Vesper as I slammed down the phone on my marble desk:

“On the street, a favour can kill you quicker than a bullet”


Written by The Murray Files

06/10/2011 at 8:59 pm

Music in the 90’s

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I think it was the greatest era ever for music, and I’m not fucking exaggerating.

Loyal followers of the blog will know that I was a hospital DJ from 1994 to 1997 at Falkirks now Defunt, Our lady of Falkirk golf sprains private hospital.  It was during this period that I was exposed to the golden era of Music, the era of Music that Legendary disc jokey, Fibermonster Jock called:

“The time music was written”

I heard the greats:

Sleeper, Bluetones, Elastica, Cast, Esthero, The Wonder Stuff

All greats, but there is one group that stands out from the crowd.

The Smashing Pumpkins.

I caught up with Melissa Auf Der Maur, the socialist canadian songbird and one time bass player in the pumpkins, at the Smelly oyster seafood grill in Pollockshaws Glasgow.  Pollockshaws has a reputation for a being a little tough, but I give off a fairly “tough guy” demeanour, so the locals keep their distance.

Hey Melissa, what’s happening?

I’m actually launching my new fragrance next week.

Fucking perfume!  What’s happened to you?

You said on the phone…

Fuck the phone, you were a bass player, don’t you remember?

Sure I remember, but that was a long time ago, billy let me go… he let us all go.

I had a poster of you in my room.

I’m sorry Alex.

You’ve let me down

Maybe I can make it up to you?

You can’t Melissa, it’s time you left.

At this point I terminated the interview.  Little did I know that before I arrived, Melissa had ordered two pitchers of Leffe beer and a family sized plate of Nachos.  £55 for 1 beer, thanks Melissa, thanks for nothing.

Written by The Murray Files

30/09/2011 at 7:57 pm

What to do, what to do?

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Two hollywood A-listers, both actresses, both hot.

They’ve both called me up to ask me out on a date tonight.  Both of them at the same time.

Even more freaky is that they’ve asked me to my favourite diner in Falkirk, the “Hungry bear found the fish chips, cheese and kebab sauce experience.”

So, what do I do?

Option 1 – Go with A-lister A, she’s taller than me, is blonde and is a bit of alright

Option 2 – Go with A-lister B, she’s a feisty redhead, going out with her is like going into battle, but she’s a hoot

Option 3 – Go with both of them and see where the chips fall.


Decisions, Decisions.

Life can be tough in Falkirk.

My diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet is too small for my fifties.  What’s a guy to do.

Written by The Murray Files

27/08/2011 at 8:02 pm

Andy Murray – Tennis Terminator

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Djokovic was made to look like a lost little puppy on court. He was out of his depth, at the wrong tournament.  By the end of that match he was struggling to find someone to give him a ride home.

We all know the power Andy Murray has to motivate, inspire, and battle world scale issues, and on Sunday Djokovic had no answer.

Every time he hit a shot, in his mind he was just thinking “Shit, I’m playing Andy Murray. I don’t belong at this level”

It’s ok Djoko, not many players do.

I would rate Murray as a marquee player:

Marquee players:

Andy Murray, John Lloyd, Ivan Lendl, McEnroe, Connors

I would rate Djokovic as a journeyman player:


Djokovic, Haas, Baltacha, Peter Colt, Chest

My tennis academy is welcoming new intakes for the Autumn 2011 season, and I would more than welcome the opportunity to help Djokovic along; help him get to that next level, for only a modest joining fee.

Andy Murray, he’ll be back.

Written by The Murray Files

23/08/2011 at 7:22 pm

Invention hour

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Last night on my popular radio programme, “Innovating for the future”, I discussed the possibility of building a spaceship with a warp drive.

My guest on the show was Honey Miniver, she’s a model and actress from Falkirk, but she told me she got a C in physics in school, so I invited her on to lend her expertise.

I’m not here to apologise again for last night, it happened, both Honey and I are sorry.  If we’d known the microphone had still been turned on then… anyway, never mind I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

Back to the warp drive.

Here’s the equation for my idea:

x = Mc2 // + two hamsters, 1 goat, four candles, and 1 game of mariokart

It’s complex stuff, I don’t expect any you normal people,idiots, uneducated, unschooled, not-that-bright people, the average murray file reader in other words, no offense, to understand this concept.  All you have to understand is that my spaceship idea is awesome.

It will only take 24 years to build and when complete, it will be able to travel to Alpha Centuri in under 10 minutes.

Don’t take my word for it; remember Honey’s words from the show last night:

“Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, oh you’re amazing”

Well, that certainly is high praise. But it’s no less than I deserve.  I might be the greatest person in Scotland’s central belt.

Who I am kidding?

There’s no ‘might’ about it.

Written by The Murray Files

13/08/2011 at 12:59 pm