The Murray Files

Discussing Andy Murray's quest for a grand slam title.

Interview with Tulisa Contostavlos

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I don't understand why you're number 1

Tulisa’s stock is on the rise.  A couple of years ago the feisty N-Dubz’s singer couldn’t get a seat at the Two Ducks Fly By in Cumbernauld.  Now restauranteurs all over Falkirk are happy to make tables available for her, with only a couple of hours notice.

I caught up with the new X Factor judge at the Double D Diner in Falkirk.

Their swordfish is simply marvellous.

Tulisa called from the hotel to say that she was running a little late, so I got myself a pitcher of Leffe blonde (basically it was just a picture jug that the barman emptied 9 bottles of leffe into) and headed to the Donkey Kong machine to have a game or two while I waited.  2 hours later, Tulissa rolled in.

Hi Tulisa

Hi Alex

Well, thanks for coming. Tulisa, that’s an interesting name, what does it mean?

It means I’m diligent and hard working.



So, how’s the X Factor?  Are Cheryl’s shoes  big ones to fill?

Not really, I’m more of a boots person anyway

Speaking of boots I bought an adventure holiday there recently, in a helicopter

Helicopters are cool, I own 4 of them on my ranch

Subways with ranch dressing are awesome

That was my nickname in finishing school?

What was?



No, I said awesome.

Tulisa, I’m confused, I think I might have had a bad pint.

Were you drinking pints.

What are you, a detective?

I’m just concerned

At this point I terminated the interview.  Tulisa’s alright actually, kind of funny.  But I need to head home.  I just bought a box set of murder she wrote.  I’m going to get crackin with season 1 tonight.



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Written by The Murray Files

04/08/2011 at 10:48 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

How to run a successful football club…

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It’s easy.

All you have to do, is hire 38 managers in one season.

Basically, everytime a club gets a new manager, the team gets a lift.  That team almost always wins its first match for the new manager.

So, my solution would be to hire a new manager every week for the entire season.

When I was younger I considered buying a Scottish football team, to try and build them up and take them into a European cup final.  But in the end I couldn’t be arsed.

Brie and crackers, zebra enchiladas.

Love it.

Written by The Murray Files

04/08/2011 at 10:47 pm

The best tennis shot in the world

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In my illustrious career I’ve borne witness to 2 tennis shots that I would class as exceptional.

Here is a run down of those shots in reverse order:

(2) Vera Farmiga – Forehand down the line

I was playing a game with the Source code actress in 2006 at the El Dragon Club in Falkirk.  During a break point in the 5th set I bulleted a forehand cross court.  I thought I had the winner in the bag, and so did my victory celebration of a backflip and then partial moonwalk.  As I was doing this I saw that Vera had chased my shot down and thundered it down the line so hard, that it hit the line, bounced outside the court, into the bar next to the court, smashing no less than 9 pints of beer that had been laid out in a row on a table for Vera and I post match (5 for me 4 for her).  The ball literally just went through all nine glasses. It was amazing.

(1) Alice Eve – Power lob

I was playing the “She’s out of my league” actress on the roof of “Munters Bar” in Falkirk in 2009.  We’d been drinking all day, and decided it would be a riot to have a bounce game on the roof.  Alice had been playing the best point of the match, knocking me all over the court.  She brought me into net, she then hit the power lob over my head.  I knew I was beaten without even having to turn around (a good player just knows). So I jumped over the net and embraced Alice in what had become our customary post match hug.  We went back to the bar, bought some nuts and watched Falkirk go by.

It was on the following day when I was reviewing the CCTV tapes of our match that I noticed the aftermath of that power lob.  The lob had hit the line as I knew it would, but it had then taken an odd bounce.  It had skimmed off the line at an acute angle and actually gained significant pace, the ball flew into the air, was caught in a fierce gust of wind.  The ball travelled over 300 yards and hit a fisherman in the face on his boat. Knocking him down.  I studied the footage further and the man got up, looking a little confused about a minute later.  Still it’s not the first time a fisherman’s been hit by a tennis ball, so no harm done I guess.

I’ve nicknamed the two shots:

The Farmiga Firestorm

The Alice Eve Fisherman bounce

Tennis, the game of kings.

The day the music died

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Why write a good song when you can write a bad one, that's my motto


There have been many contenders over the years for the worst song of all time.  A few that spring to mind would be “America” by Razorlight, No limit by 2 Unlimited and The lady in red by chirs de whatever.

All worthy contenders for the worst song ever I hear you say.  But none of them quite made the grade.  perhaps there was one bar in the song that was aw rite, one wee moment that didn’t make you want to rip your ears off.

It’s not easy making a song that’s awful from start to finish, but one young lady has achieved where so many others have failed:

Cher Lloyd.

Cher lloyd in my professional opinion (which includes 6 six years as a music blogger for “show me the trumpet, if there isn’t a trumpet I’m not listening, music weekly”) is not worth listening too.  She’s a bad singer, she can’t really rap, she pulls funny faces (that aren’t funny), she acts like she’s from west Baltimore, but probably went to private school.  All bad qualities, but I wouldn’t be writing about her, or care less for that matter, if she hadn’t inflicted the worst song in history on the world, Swagger Jagger.

It’s even a bad name!

So, here are my top 5 worst songs of all time:

(5) No way, no way – by Vanilla

What saves it from being the worst song ever? One of the ladies in the video is 7 out of 10 attractive

(4) The Millenium Prayer – by Cliff Richard

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Cliff richard sang Devil woman.

(3) Itsy Bitsy teeny Weeny Yellow Poka Dot Bikini – By Timmy Mallet

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Timmy Mallet’s glasses are amusing

(2) Ain’t no doubt – By Jimmy Nail

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Jimmy Nail was fairly cool in auf wiedersehen pet

(1) Swagger Jagger – By Cher Lloyd

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Nothing, this is the worst song ever written. By anyone. Fact.

I wish Chey Lloyd success as a person, this song is everything wrong with music. X Factor should be ashamed.

What’s wrong with Hip Hop in the 90’s?

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As DJ Shadow astutely pointed out:

It’s the money.

A lot of you may remember that in the mid 90’s I released two very successful hip hop singles.   My first single “Don’t forget my vibe” debuted at number 3 and stayed inside the top forty for 12 consecutive weeks.  But it was my second single “I didn’t find the groove, the groove found me” that cemented my place in music’s hall of fame.

That single got to number 1 and stayed there for 5 weeks.  I was already very rich from my tennis coaching, but the money I got from the hip hop stuff took me into the elite.

I caught up with former Republica lead singer, and all round good person Saffron to discuss my illustrious career.

We went to the “We only serve pork here, pork house” in Dover, England.  I was disappointed to learn that they only sold pork.

Hi Saffron

Hi Alex

I must say you look even lovelier in person that in your music videos

That’s very sweet of you.

Enough about you, let’s talk about me


Just how good do you think my songs were?

I think ultimately your songs represented hope for a generation.

I agree

Furthermore, I think your songs were truly the greatest works ever.

That’s great.

Do you remember that night we partied at the Lambada room in the Dorset hotel?

Yeah, 1996 wasn’t it?

Yep, I think that was the greatest night of my life.

Mmm, I’ve had better.

We enjoyed Pork with apple sauce for our main, and pork cake for pudding.

Drop dead gorgeous!

Written by The Murray Files

29/07/2011 at 8:41 am

Top 5 Greatest football goals ever…

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In no particular order:

Written by The Murray Files

27/07/2011 at 6:48 pm