The day the music died

Why write a good song when you can write a bad one, that's my motto

 

There have been many contenders over the years for the worst song of all time.  A few that spring to mind would be “America” by Razorlight, No limit by 2 Unlimited and The lady in red by chirs de whatever.

All worthy contenders for the worst song ever I hear you say.  But none of them quite made the grade.  perhaps there was one bar in the song that was aw rite, one wee moment that didn’t make you want to rip your ears off.

It’s not easy making a song that’s awful from start to finish, but one young lady has achieved where so many others have failed:

Cher Lloyd.

Cher lloyd in my professional opinion (which includes 6 six years as a music blogger for “show me the trumpet, if there isn’t a trumpet I’m not listening, music weekly”) is not worth listening too.  She’s a bad singer, she can’t really rap, she pulls funny faces (that aren’t funny), she acts like she’s from west Baltimore, but probably went to private school.  All bad qualities, but I wouldn’t be writing about her, or care less for that matter, if she hadn’t inflicted the worst song in history on the world, Swagger Jagger.

It’s even a bad name!

So, here are my top 5 worst songs of all time:

(5) No way, no way – by Vanilla

What saves it from being the worst song ever? One of the ladies in the video is 7 out of 10 attractive

(4) The Millenium Prayer – by Cliff Richard

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Cliff richard sang Devil woman.

(3) Itsy Bitsy teeny Weeny Yellow Poka Dot Bikini – By Timmy Mallet

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Timmy Mallet’s glasses are amusing

(2) Ain’t no doubt – By Jimmy Nail

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Jimmy Nail was fairly cool in auf wiedersehen pet

(1) Swagger Jagger – By Cher Lloyd

What saves it from being the worst song ever? Nothing, this is the worst song ever written. By anyone. Fact.

I wish Chey Lloyd success as a person, this song is everything wrong with music. X Factor should be ashamed.

What’s wrong with Hip Hop in the 90’s?

As DJ Shadow astutely pointed out:

It’s the money.

A lot of you may remember that in the mid 90’s I released two very successful hip hop singles.   My first single “Don’t forget my vibe” debuted at number 3 and stayed inside the top forty for 12 consecutive weeks.  But it was my second single “I didn’t find the groove, the groove found me” that cemented my place in music’s hall of fame.

That single got to number 1 and stayed there for 5 weeks.  I was already very rich from my tennis coaching, but the money I got from the hip hop stuff took me into the elite.

I caught up with former Republica lead singer, and all round good person Saffron to discuss my illustrious career.

We went to the “We only serve pork here, pork house” in Dover, England.  I was disappointed to learn that they only sold pork.

Hi Saffron

Hi Alex

I must say you look even lovelier in person that in your music videos

That’s very sweet of you.

Enough about you, let’s talk about me

Ok

Just how good do you think my songs were?

I think ultimately your songs represented hope for a generation.

I agree

Furthermore, I think your songs were truly the greatest works ever.

That’s great.

Do you remember that night we partied at the Lambada room in the Dorset hotel?

Yeah, 1996 wasn’t it?

Yep, I think that was the greatest night of my life.

Mmm, I’ve had better.

We enjoyed Pork with apple sauce for our main, and pork cake for pudding.

Drop dead gorgeous!

Top 5 Greatest football goals ever…

In no particular order:

British Tennis the next big thing?

I’ll say!  Heather Watson has just won her 1st round match at the notoriously difficult Maryland tournament.

She won convincingly 6-4 6-1 (In other words she gave her opponent a free lesson).

I know what most of you are thinking. That this one win signals a tennis revolution not seen in Britain since Natalie Cordova punched umpire Brie Elisse, after a bad call at the Falkirk Invitational 2 years ago.  That attack led to better insurance policies for line judges and umpires, meaning that fiery players such as Natalie can throw the odd punch here and there, safe in the knowledge that they are, quite literally, covered.

I think Heather’s win will encourage teenagers out there to stop drugs.

I think her win alone has cured the country of it’s drug problem, once and for all.

Come one!

 

Is time travel possible?

The universe is infinite.

Therefore there are an infinite amount of ideas in it.

Therefore there are an infinite number of possibilites in it.

Therefore if I can conceive of time travel, back and forward in time, then by definition time travel must be possible.

So, that’s the science done, we know it can be achieved. Next questions is a moral one.

Just because we can do something, does that mean we should?

The implications of any time travel could be catastrophic.

Therefore I’m recommending that when we do eventually build a time travel device (I’ve attached some pictures below of what I think this may look like), then I don’t think we should ever use it.  Perhaps just put it on display in a science museum, my recommendation would the “International big big science museum” in Falkirk.

 

 

Interview with Rebecca Mader

Lost.

The best programme ever on tv?  Maybe.

The last episode aside (which was dire), it was fascinating, interesting, wonderful, delightful, insightful, classic, classical, inspiring, amazing and just a bit fucking cool.

During season 4, we were introduced to a little English Rose by the name of Charlotte, or as she’s known in Essex (and some parts of Orlando), Rebecca Mader.

I caught up with Rebecca at the  5 crows gaze and wonder cittar experience in Cumbernauld.

The areas a wee bit dodgey, but Rebecca’s a bit of martial arts expert, so I knew I was in safe hands.

Hi Rebecca, like your hair. It’s very red.

Thanks.

Lost was cool. Did you like it.

Yes

Good. I’m glad you did.

(no response)

It was no Alias though.

What is?

True, very true.

You seen the wire Rebecca?

I was in it.

Really?

Not really no.  I did audition, but they didn’t think an english rose like me was right for the rough streets of Baltimore.

Shame.

I’ll say.

This place is a little pricey, fancy getting a pizza?

Sounds great, what then?

Let’s see what happens Rebecca…

As the comedian in Watchmen accurately observed…

It’s a joke… it’s all a joke.

or on a lighter note, there is always apollo creed, who once stated:

“I”m gonna drop him like a bad habit”

I guess it’s all about taste.

Interview with Maggie Grace

The Roman’s never fully conquered Scotland.  They got about as far as Glasgow/Edinburgh, then turned tail and went back to hadrian’s wall.

Those Romans may not have done the job, but one who did is Roman Pavnivski.  The charismatic chef/owner of the “Ugly duck” diner in Paisley.

Paisley has a reputation as being a little rough, some comparing it to the last days of Saigon, but hidden in between the carnage is a town bursting with culture, good humour and affordable living in a rustic setting.

The Ugly duck is pricey at £150 a head, but for my money their Gouda Cheese with caramelised onions is the best in all of Paisley.

It was in this Idyllic setting that I agreed to meet with Maggie Grace.  She’d been pestering me for a couple of months to meet up, so finally I relented.

So it’s nice to see you Maggie

You too, I really appreciate this opportunity.

It’s not a problem. I was coming to Paisley anyway for a wine expo.

Cool.

So, loved you in lost.  Loved you in Taken too.

Thanks, you don’t know how much that means to me.  Alex, I understand you’ve got the ear of Steven…

I’ll stop your there Maggie.  I’m not here in some kind of agent capacity.  If you need to talk to the man, you’ll have to do it on your own.  Is that going to be ok?

Sure.  Sorry, it’s just I know that…

Ok Maggie.  Thanks for your time today.

What?

Thanks for your time.

But.

At this point I terminated the interview.  Maggie refused to go, so in the end we ate the meal together in silence.  About half way though I turned my seat around and put my dinner on my lap and ate with my back to Maggie.

2 Hours later, when we’d both finished desert we left in separate taxi’s.

It was a fun night.

Who said this?

“It was good fun, it’s nice to be back in Scotland. I’ve not been back for about 18 months and I need to make more of a habit of it.”

Hint? It wasn’t John Lloyd.

Murray – The gillette advertising deal is no closer…

And do you know what? That’s good.  You heard me, I said good.  Who does David Lloyd think he is?

Andy Murray is a hero!  He could come out on court wearing a tie dye t-shirt, smoking a fat one and singing loser by beck, and he would still be a winner.

Andy Murray is a multi millionaire, great playstation gamer and a pretty good tennis player.

As long as there is a hole in my arse I will support Andy Murray.

For Scotland!

For Falkirk!

For Murray!