Feeling down on the upside…

I was chatting today with music know-it-all and general big cheese, Vesper Conrad.   Vesper is originally from Alaska, and has over 7 stories he can tell you about snow.

It was 3pm Uk time, which meant it was about 9am Alaska time.  Vesper was panicking, he was involved in a pub quiz (he’s a big drinker) and was struggling with a question:

“Which pioneering Uk indie band released the single “Stutter” in 1995?”

Vesper was stumped.  There was a case of tenants super up for grabs, so the stakes were high.  That’s why he called me, the guy you go to when the stakes are this high. I’m the go to guy, the guy in the know.  The guy that Music Mogul Magazine once called “Man of the year…In Kelvindale”.

I knew the answer, of course I did.  I even knew that the lead singer of the band, Justine Frischmann, used to date Damon Albarn from Blur.

It was Elastica.

I immediately heard the relief in Vesper’s voice.  His call had come at a price, he was now in my debt, and he knew it.  His close relationship with Britney spears might come in handy, she’s been ducking me for an interview for years.  Time to pay the piper.

As I said to Vesper as I slammed down the phone on my marble desk:

“On the street, a favour can kill you quicker than a bullet”

Music

Invention hour

Last night on my popular radio programme, “Innovating for the future”, I discussed the possibility of building a spaceship with a warp drive.

My guest on the show was Honey Miniver, she’s a model and actress from Falkirk, but she told me she got a C in physics in school, so I invited her on to lend her expertise.

I’m not here to apologise again for last night, it happened, both Honey and I are sorry.  If we’d known the microphone had still been turned on then… anyway, never mind I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

Back to the warp drive.

Here’s the equation for my idea:

x = Mc2 // + two hamsters, 1 goat, four candles, and 1 game of mariokart

It’s complex stuff, I don’t expect any you normal people,idiots, uneducated, unschooled, not-that-bright people, the average murray file reader in other words, no offense, to understand this concept.  All you have to understand is that my spaceship idea is awesome.

It will only take 24 years to build and when complete, it will be able to travel to Alpha Centuri in under 10 minutes.

Don’t take my word for it; remember Honey’s words from the show last night:

“Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, oh you’re amazing”

Well, that certainly is high praise. But it’s no less than I deserve.  I might be the greatest person in Scotland’s central belt.

Who I am kidding?

There’s no ‘might’ about it.

What’s wrong with Hip Hop in the 90’s?

As DJ Shadow astutely pointed out:

It’s the money.

A lot of you may remember that in the mid 90’s I released two very successful hip hop singles.   My first single “Don’t forget my vibe” debuted at number 3 and stayed inside the top forty for 12 consecutive weeks.  But it was my second single “I didn’t find the groove, the groove found me” that cemented my place in music’s hall of fame.

That single got to number 1 and stayed there for 5 weeks.  I was already very rich from my tennis coaching, but the money I got from the hip hop stuff took me into the elite.

I caught up with former Republica lead singer, and all round good person Saffron to discuss my illustrious career.

We went to the “We only serve pork here, pork house” in Dover, England.  I was disappointed to learn that they only sold pork.

Hi Saffron

Hi Alex

I must say you look even lovelier in person that in your music videos

That’s very sweet of you.

Enough about you, let’s talk about me

Ok

Just how good do you think my songs were?

I think ultimately your songs represented hope for a generation.

I agree

Furthermore, I think your songs were truly the greatest works ever.

That’s great.

Do you remember that night we partied at the Lambada room in the Dorset hotel?

Yeah, 1996 wasn’t it?

Yep, I think that was the greatest night of my life.

Mmm, I’ve had better.

We enjoyed Pork with apple sauce for our main, and pork cake for pudding.

Drop dead gorgeous!

Interview with Rebecca Mader

Lost.

The best programme ever on tv?  Maybe.

The last episode aside (which was dire), it was fascinating, interesting, wonderful, delightful, insightful, classic, classical, inspiring, amazing and just a bit fucking cool.

During season 4, we were introduced to a little English Rose by the name of Charlotte, or as she’s known in Essex (and some parts of Orlando), Rebecca Mader.

I caught up with Rebecca at the  5 crows gaze and wonder cittar experience in Cumbernauld.

The areas a wee bit dodgey, but Rebecca’s a bit of martial arts expert, so I knew I was in safe hands.

Hi Rebecca, like your hair. It’s very red.

Thanks.

Lost was cool. Did you like it.

Yes

Good. I’m glad you did.

(no response)

It was no Alias though.

What is?

True, very true.

You seen the wire Rebecca?

I was in it.

Really?

Not really no.  I did audition, but they didn’t think an english rose like me was right for the rough streets of Baltimore.

Shame.

I’ll say.

This place is a little pricey, fancy getting a pizza?

Sounds great, what then?

Let’s see what happens Rebecca…

Interview with Maggie Grace

The Roman’s never fully conquered Scotland.  They got about as far as Glasgow/Edinburgh, then turned tail and went back to hadrian’s wall.

Those Romans may not have done the job, but one who did is Roman Pavnivski.  The charismatic chef/owner of the “Ugly duck” diner in Paisley.

Paisley has a reputation as being a little rough, some comparing it to the last days of Saigon, but hidden in between the carnage is a town bursting with culture, good humour and affordable living in a rustic setting.

The Ugly duck is pricey at £150 a head, but for my money their Gouda Cheese with caramelised onions is the best in all of Paisley.

It was in this Idyllic setting that I agreed to meet with Maggie Grace.  She’d been pestering me for a couple of months to meet up, so finally I relented.

So it’s nice to see you Maggie

You too, I really appreciate this opportunity.

It’s not a problem. I was coming to Paisley anyway for a wine expo.

Cool.

So, loved you in lost.  Loved you in Taken too.

Thanks, you don’t know how much that means to me.  Alex, I understand you’ve got the ear of Steven…

I’ll stop your there Maggie.  I’m not here in some kind of agent capacity.  If you need to talk to the man, you’ll have to do it on your own.  Is that going to be ok?

Sure.  Sorry, it’s just I know that…

Ok Maggie.  Thanks for your time today.

What?

Thanks for your time.

But.

At this point I terminated the interview.  Maggie refused to go, so in the end we ate the meal together in silence.  About half way though I turned my seat around and put my dinner on my lap and ate with my back to Maggie.

2 Hours later, when we’d both finished desert we left in separate taxi’s.

It was a fun night.

Interview with Andrea Corr

Andrea Corr - Sex Bomb

Andrea Corr is easily the most attractive woman that Ireland has ever produced.

That’s acknowledged by everyone, but what a lot of people don’t know is that she’s a singer too.

I decided to meet her at “The Four burps Dino Rapter Shin-Dig” in Stranraer.

Hi Andrea, it’s been too long, how’ve you been?

I’ve been great, it really has been too long

I want to talk about your solo work, cool?

Sure

I think it’s a disgrace what happened to you.  You produced a record of such inspiration and quality that it beggars belief that it wasn’t a bigger commercial success. “Ten Feet high” is maybe the most important record that has been produced in the last 400 years.

I would rate it higher than Symphony number 25 by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.  I would rate it higher than Mellon Collie and the infinite sadness by the Smashing pumpkins.  I would rate it higher than London Calling by the Clash. I would rate it higher than the it girl by Sleeper.

Bottom line? It’s better than any other album, or EP ever written. It’s even better than a local Glasgow band I know called the Musicians of Bremen. And that’s saying something.

Andrea, the track names are even great: “Hello Boys”, “Stupidest Girl in the world”, “Amazing” from the japenese bonus track.

They’re all so great.

Andrea, did I ever tell you that I had a poster of you above my bed?

No you didn’t mention that.

Andrea, that’s all we’ve got time for.

At this point I terminated the interview.

Andrea Corr.

Corr Blimey!

Interview with Yasmine Bleeth

I live watching the bay

Yasmine Bleeth’s acting craft is world renowned. Her performances on show’s such as “Baywatch”, “The Lake”, “Heaven or Vegas”, “Undercover Angel” and “Maximum Surge” show an actor of such guile, craft and wonderment, that it beggars believe that she hasn’t been nominated for an oscar.

Yasmine can speak French as well as English, so I thought it would be fun to do the interview in an authentic French setting. To that end I arranged to meet Yasmine at the “Duck baguette Go Go bar” in Falkirk’s lower west side.  The prices are steep at £200 a head, but for my money their escargot is the best in Scotland’s central belt.

The strippers in the bar are also a nice fringe benefit.

Yasmine called from her hotel to say she was running rate, so I ordered my self a round of leffe beers.  You know what they say, when in Falkirk…

Yasmine trundled in 12 minutes late. I’m getting tired of these celebrities and their egos

Hey Yasmine. Love baywatch

Thanks, it was a privilege to be involved in such a great show. Great writing.

Mmm.

How have you been?  The last time I saw you, you were producing that film in vegas about the zombie strippers…

So, Yasmine, I’ve done a few drawings

Oh, right

Yeah, I wondered if you’d have a look at them, I know you’re an art collector

Sure, what have you drawn.

Well, this was after a few beers, so stay with me here

Ok

I stopped the interview to head out to my car to fetch my portfolio. Yasmine’s opinion means a lot to me. Her validation could be the break I’m looking for to get into tate.

I’ve drawn a pork pie being eaten by a badger

I see that.

Well, what do you think?

What was your motivation?

Badgers.

Right.

And pies, I like pies.

Ok. What’s the theme.

Remorse.

Remorse over what?

Remorse over the badger I killed.

I don’t like it.

At this point I terminated the interview. Yasmine may like to watch the bay, but if she can’t see that my badger and pork pie painting is a masterpiece, then she no longer deserves my friendship.

Au revoir Yasmine bleeth.

What a scoop!! Interview with Anna Torv!

I'm in fringe you know

So, what is the best continent in the world? Easy, it’s Australia, the home of everything.

Who is the most wonderful person from that continent? Easy, it’s Anna Torv, the beautiful, stunning, amazing, wonderful, wonder, awesome, babe that is the star of hit show “Fringe” (you have so heard of it).

I caught up with the most attractive girl in the southern hemisphere at the “Can you smell carrots? Snowman’s pickles and crackers diner” in Longyearbyen on Svalbard.

I don’t mind telling you that it’s a fucking nightmare getting there, after a 5 hour flight from Glasgow to Svalbard airport, I was forced to take a snow mobile ride, that lasted 6 hours to get to the town.  It was very cold, and even though I was wearing 3 pairs of socks, I honestly felt like my bollocks and my toes were going to freeze off.

When I finally arrived, I headed straight for the hotel I was meeting her in, the “Radison blue polar hotel”. I saw Anna sitting at a table, I nodded a hello, but breezed straight past her to the bar and ordered a double dutch (that’s two straight vodka’s to you) and downed them in one. Feeling warmed up I headed over to speak with my antipodean beauty.

So Anna, why the hell did you choose Svalbard to meet, I’m freezing?

It’s nice to see you too Alex.

I’m sorry honey, it’s just, we could have gone out in Falkrik for half the price

I like it hear. It’s earthy.

Uh-huh

No, I mean it, when I take a walk around here I feel at peace…

Anna, I think Fringe is crackin

Right, yeah, thanks…

Peter’s gone?

He’s just an actor Alex, his name’s actually Joshua, and he’s still here, he’ll actually be back for season 4

Mmm.

I got married you know.

I know.

I sometimes wish…

Don’t Anna

At this point I terminated the interview. Anna is amazing…

nevermind, time for a drinking song, ahem:

I drink to make me stable

At least I think it makes me able

To function a little with the best of them

So, it’s psychic bullshit and late night phone in’s

Forgetting work, and lots of long lie in’s

Goodbye to life and hello to forever

Because in Svalbard, I feel better

Interview with Natalie Cordova – Part 1

Women’s game in trouble you say doc?

Well maybe this little belle from Falkirk holds the key to its reinvigoration.

I finally got my interview with up and comer Natalie Cordova.

This is part 1 of my interview filmed a couple of weeks ago. The next two parts will follow shortly.

She’s quite a girl, as you’re about to see…

British Tennis is back!

With a bang.

Baltacha through to the next round – Yass

Watson through to the next round – Yass

Get in.

British tennis is back.

However….

Watson was trained in America, and Baltacha is a Scot who is just to f**king stubborn to give in.  Where are the rest of the British players (Murray aside of course)?  I’ll tell you where, there on “no desire street” and “spoiled avenue”.  Far to many of these “Players” have no heart.

Want to know Watson’s regime in America, here it is…roughly:

get up a 6am an play tennis until 10:00, fitness until 11:00 and then lunch between 11:00 and 12:00.  From 12:00 to 4pm it was school studies.  From 4pm to 6pm it was more tennis.6pm to 7:00 dinner.  Then it was 7pm to 9pm tennis and fitness.  Then study and bed.

Repeat every day, 6 days a week, for 6-7 years.  Only then can you consider calling yourself a player.

Players in Britain don’t have the motivation to do this, and that’s why we haven’t won a grand slam since the 70’s (in singles anyway).

Well, rant over.

My tennis academy is still accepting applications.  I will show the world the real tennis way, and it will be good.

oh yes.