What to do, what to do?

Two hollywood A-listers, both actresses, both hot.

They’ve both called me up to ask me out on a date tonight.  Both of them at the same time.

Even more freaky is that they’ve asked me to my favourite diner in Falkirk, the “Hungry bear found the fish chips, cheese and kebab sauce experience.”

So, what do I do?

Option 1 – Go with A-lister A, she’s taller than me, is blonde and is a bit of alright

Option 2 – Go with A-lister B, she’s a feisty redhead, going out with her is like going into battle, but she’s a hoot

Option 3 – Go with both of them and see where the chips fall.

Mmmm…

Decisions, Decisions.

Life can be tough in Falkirk.

My diamond shoes are too tight and my wallet is too small for my fifties.  What’s a guy to do.

Andy Murray – Tennis Terminator

Djokovic was made to look like a lost little puppy on court. He was out of his depth, at the wrong tournament.  By the end of that match he was struggling to find someone to give him a ride home.

We all know the power Andy Murray has to motivate, inspire, and battle world scale issues, and on Sunday Djokovic had no answer.

Every time he hit a shot, in his mind he was just thinking “Shit, I’m playing Andy Murray. I don’t belong at this level”

It’s ok Djoko, not many players do.

I would rate Murray as a marquee player:

Marquee players:

Andy Murray, John Lloyd, Ivan Lendl, McEnroe, Connors

I would rate Djokovic as a journeyman player:

Journeymen:

Djokovic, Haas, Baltacha, Peter Colt, Chest

My tennis academy is welcoming new intakes for the Autumn 2011 season, and I would more than welcome the opportunity to help Djokovic along; help him get to that next level, for only a modest joining fee.

Andy Murray, he’ll be back.

Invention hour

Last night on my popular radio programme, “Innovating for the future”, I discussed the possibility of building a spaceship with a warp drive.

My guest on the show was Honey Miniver, she’s a model and actress from Falkirk, but she told me she got a C in physics in school, so I invited her on to lend her expertise.

I’m not here to apologise again for last night, it happened, both Honey and I are sorry.  If we’d known the microphone had still been turned on then… anyway, never mind I don’t want to talk about that anymore.

Back to the warp drive.

Here’s the equation for my idea:

x = Mc2 // + two hamsters, 1 goat, four candles, and 1 game of mariokart

It’s complex stuff, I don’t expect any you normal people,idiots, uneducated, unschooled, not-that-bright people, the average murray file reader in other words, no offense, to understand this concept.  All you have to understand is that my spaceship idea is awesome.

It will only take 24 years to build and when complete, it will be able to travel to Alpha Centuri in under 10 minutes.

Don’t take my word for it; remember Honey’s words from the show last night:

“Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, oh you’re amazing”

Well, that certainly is high praise. But it’s no less than I deserve.  I might be the greatest person in Scotland’s central belt.

Who I am kidding?

There’s no ‘might’ about it.

Interview with Tulisa Contostavlos

I don't understand why you're number 1

Tulisa’s stock is on the rise.  A couple of years ago the feisty N-Dubz’s singer couldn’t get a seat at the Two Ducks Fly By in Cumbernauld.  Now restauranteurs all over Falkirk are happy to make tables available for her, with only a couple of hours notice.

I caught up with the new X Factor judge at the Double D Diner in Falkirk.

Their swordfish is simply marvellous.

Tulisa called from the hotel to say that she was running a little late, so I got myself a pitcher of Leffe blonde (basically it was just a picture jug that the barman emptied 9 bottles of leffe into) and headed to the Donkey Kong machine to have a game or two while I waited.  2 hours later, Tulissa rolled in.

Hi Tulisa

Hi Alex

Well, thanks for coming. Tulisa, that’s an interesting name, what does it mean?

It means I’m diligent and hard working.

Interesting.

Mmmm.

So, how’s the X Factor?  Are Cheryl’s shoes  big ones to fill?

Not really, I’m more of a boots person anyway

Speaking of boots I bought an adventure holiday there recently, in a helicopter

Helicopters are cool, I own 4 of them on my ranch

Subways with ranch dressing are awesome

That was my nickname in finishing school?

What was?

Awesome.

Cool.

No, I said awesome.

Tulisa, I’m confused, I think I might have had a bad pint.

Were you drinking pints.

What are you, a detective?

I’m just concerned

At this point I terminated the interview.  Tulisa’s alright actually, kind of funny.  But I need to head home.  I just bought a box set of murder she wrote.  I’m going to get crackin with season 1 tonight.

Demon

Demon

How to run a successful football club…

It’s easy.

All you have to do, is hire 38 managers in one season.

Basically, everytime a club gets a new manager, the team gets a lift.  That team almost always wins its first match for the new manager.

So, my solution would be to hire a new manager every week for the entire season.

When I was younger I considered buying a Scottish football team, to try and build them up and take them into a European cup final.  But in the end I couldn’t be arsed.

Brie and crackers, zebra enchiladas.

Love it.

The best tennis shot in the world

In my illustrious career I’ve borne witness to 2 tennis shots that I would class as exceptional.

Here is a run down of those shots in reverse order:

(2) Vera Farmiga – Forehand down the line

I was playing a game with the Source code actress in 2006 at the El Dragon Club in Falkirk.  During a break point in the 5th set I bulleted a forehand cross court.  I thought I had the winner in the bag, and so did my victory celebration of a backflip and then partial moonwalk.  As I was doing this I saw that Vera had chased my shot down and thundered it down the line so hard, that it hit the line, bounced outside the court, into the bar next to the court, smashing no less than 9 pints of beer that had been laid out in a row on a table for Vera and I post match (5 for me 4 for her).  The ball literally just went through all nine glasses. It was amazing.

(1) Alice Eve – Power lob

I was playing the “She’s out of my league” actress on the roof of “Munters Bar” in Falkirk in 2009.  We’d been drinking all day, and decided it would be a riot to have a bounce game on the roof.  Alice had been playing the best point of the match, knocking me all over the court.  She brought me into net, she then hit the power lob over my head.  I knew I was beaten without even having to turn around (a good player just knows). So I jumped over the net and embraced Alice in what had become our customary post match hug.  We went back to the bar, bought some nuts and watched Falkirk go by.

It was on the following day when I was reviewing the CCTV tapes of our match that I noticed the aftermath of that power lob.  The lob had hit the line as I knew it would, but it had then taken an odd bounce.  It had skimmed off the line at an acute angle and actually gained significant pace, the ball flew into the air, was caught in a fierce gust of wind.  The ball travelled over 300 yards and hit a fisherman in the face on his boat. Knocking him down.  I studied the footage further and the man got up, looking a little confused about a minute later.  Still it’s not the first time a fisherman’s been hit by a tennis ball, so no harm done I guess.

I’ve nicknamed the two shots:

The Farmiga Firestorm

The Alice Eve Fisherman bounce

Tennis, the game of kings.